Nineteenth. - In proportion as Lady Lowborough finds she hasnothing to fear from me, and as the time of departure draws nigh,the more audacious and insolent she becomes. She does not scrupleto speak to my husband with affectionate familiarity in mypresence, when no one else is by, and is particularly fond ofdisplaying her interest in his health and welfare, or in anythingthat concerns him, as if for the purpose of contrasting her kindsolicitude with my cold indifference. And he rewards her by suchsmiles and glances, such whispered words, or boldly-spokeninsinuations, indicative of his sense of her goodness and myneglect, as make the blood rush into my face, in spite of myself -for I would be utterly regardless of it all - deaf and blind toeverything that passes between them, since the more I show myselfsensible of their wickedness the more she triumphs in her victory,and the more he flatters himself that I love him devotedly still,in spite of my pretended indifference. On such occasions I havesometimes been startled by a subtle, fiendish suggestion incitingme to show him the contrary by a seeming encouragement ofHargrave's advances; but such ideas are banished in a moment withhorror and self-abasement; and then I hate him tenfold more thanever for having brought me to this! - God pardon me for it and allmy sinful thoughts! Instead of being humbled and purified by myafflictions, I feel that they are turning my nature into gall.This must be my fault as much as theirs that wrong me. No trueChristian could cherish such bitter feelings as I do against himand her, especially the latter: him, I still feel that I couldpardon - freely, gladly - on the slightest token of repentance; butshe - words cannot utter my abhorrence. Reason forbids, butpassion urges strongly; and I must pray and struggle long ere Isubdue it.

It is well that she is leaving to-morrow, for I could not wellendure her presence for another day. This morning she rose earlierthan usual. I found her in the room alone, when I went down tobreakfast.

'Oh, Helen! is it you?' said she, turning as I entered.

I gave an involuntary start back on seeing her, at which sheuttered a short laugh, observing, 'I think we are bothdisappointed.'

I came forward and busied myself with the breakfast things.

'This is the last day I shall burden your hospitality,' said she,as she seated herself at the table. 'Ah, here comes one that willnot rejoice at it!' she murmured, half to herself, as Arthurentered the room.

He shook hands with her and wished her good-morning: then, lookinglovingly in her face, and still retaining her hand in his, murmuredpathetically, 'The last - last day!'

'Yes,' said she with some asperity; 'and I rose early to make thebest of it - I have been here alone this half-hour, and you - youlazy creature - '

'Well, I thought I was early too,' said he; 'but,' dropping hisvoice almost to a whisper, 'you see we are not alone.'

'We never are,' returned she. But they were almost as good asalone, for I was now standing at the window, watching the clouds,and struggling to suppress my wrath.

Some more words passed between them, which, happily, I did notoverhear; but Annabella had the audacity to come and place herselfbeside me, and even to put her hand upon my shoulder and saysoftly, 'You need not grudge him to me, Helen, for I love him morethan ever you could do.'

This put me beside myself. I took her hand and violently dashed itfrom me, with an expression of abhorrence and indignation thatcould not be suppressed. Startled, almost appalled, by this suddenoutbreak, she recoiled in silence. I would have given way to myfury and said more, but Arthur's low laugh recalled me to myself.I checked the half-uttered invective, and scornfully turned away,regretting that I had given him so much amusement. He was stilllaughing when Mr. Hargrave made his appearance. How much of thescene he had witnessed I do not know, for the door was ajar when heentered. He greeted his host and his cousin both coldly, and mewith a glance intended to express the deepest sympathy mingled withhigh admiration and esteem.

'How much allegiance do you owe to that man?' he asked below hisbreath, as he stood beside me at the window, affecting to be makingobservations on the weather.

'None,' I answered. And immediately returning to the table, Iemployed myself in making the tea. He followed, and would haveentered into some kind of conversation with me, but the otherguests were now beginning to assemble, and I took no more notice ofhim, except to give him his coffee.

After breakfast, determined to pass as little of the day aspossible in company with Lady Lowborough, I quietly stole away fromthe company and retired to the library. Mr. Hargrave followed methither, under pretence of coming for a book; and first, turning tothe shelves, he selected a volume, and then quietly, but by nomeans timidly, approaching me, he stood beside me, resting his handon the back of my chair, and said softly, 'And so you consideryourself free at last?'

'Yes,' said I, without moving, or raising my eyes from my book,'free to do anything but offend God and my conscience.'

There was a momentary pause.

'Very right,' said he, 'provided your conscience be not toomorbidly tender, and your ideas of God not too erroneously severe;but can you suppose it would offend that benevolent Being to makethe happiness of one who would die for yours? - to raise a devotedheart from purgatorial torments to a state of heavenly bliss, whenyou could do it without the slightest injury to yourself or anyother?'

This was spoken in a low, earnest, melting tone, as he bent overme. I now raised my head; and steadily confronting his gaze, Ianswered calmly, 'Mr. Hargrave, do you mean to insult me?'

He was not prepared for this. He paused a moment to recover theshook; then, drawing himself up and removing his hand from mychair, he answered, with proud sadness, - 'That was not myintention.'

I just glanced towards the door, with a slight movement of thehead, and then returned to my book. He immediately withdrew. Thiswas better than if I had answered with more words, and in thepassionate spirit to which my first impulse would have prompted.What a good thing it is to be able to command one's temper! I mustlabour to cultivate this inestimable quality: God only knows howoften I shall need it in this rough, dark road that lies before me.

In the course of the morning I drove over to the Grove with the twoladies, to give Milicent an opportunity for bidding farewell to hermother and sister. They persuaded her to stay with them the restof the day, Mrs. Hargrave promising to bring her back in theevening and remain till the party broke up on the morrow.Consequently, Lady Lowborough and I had the pleasure of returningTETE-E-TETE in the carriage together. For the first mile or two wekept silence, I looking out of my window, and she leaning back inher corner. But I was not going to restrict myself to anyparticular position for her; when I was tired of leaning forward,with the cold, raw wind in my face, and surveying the russet hedgesand the damp, tangled grass of their banks, I gave it up and leantback too. With her usual impudence, my companion then made someattempts to get up a conversation; but the monosyllables 'yes,' or'no' or 'humph,' were the utmost her several remarks could elicitfrom me. At last, on her asking my opinion upon some immaterialpoint of discussion, I answered, - 'Why do you wish to talk to me,Lady Lowborough? You must know what I think of you.'

'Well, if you will be so bitter against me,' replied she, 'I can'thelp it; but I'm not going to sulk for anybody.'

Our short drive was now at an end. As soon as the carriage doorwas opened, she sprang out, and went down the park to meet thegentlemen, who were just returning from the woods. Of course I didnot follow.

But I had not done with her impudence yet: after dinner, I retiredto the drawing-room, as usual, and she accompanied me, but I hadthe two children with me, and I gave them my whole attention, anddetermined to keep them till the gentlemen came, or till Milicentarrived with her mother. Little Helen, however, was soon tired ofplaying, and insisted upon going to sleep; and while I sat on thesofa with her on my knee, and Arthur seated beside me, gentlyplaying with her soft, flaxen hair, Lady Lowborough composedly cameand placed herself on the other side.

'To-morrow, Mrs. Huntingdon,' said she, 'you will be delivered frommy presence, which, no doubt, you will be very glad of - it isnatural you should; but do you know I have rendered you a greatservice? Shall I tell you what it is?'

'I shall be glad to hear of any service you have rendered me,' saidI, determined to be calm, for I knew by the tone of her voice shewanted to provoke me.

'Well,' resumed she, 'have you not observed the salutary change inMr. Huntingdon? Don't you see what a sober, temperate man he isbecome? You saw with regret the sad habits he was contracting, Iknow: and I know you did your utmost to deliver him from them, butwithout success, until I came to your assistance. I told him infew words that I could not bear to see him degrade himself so, andthat I should cease to - no matter what I told him, but you see thereformation I have wrought; and you ought to thank me for it.'

I rose and rang for the nurse.

'But I desire no thanks,' she continued; 'all the return I ask is,that you will take care of him when I am gone, and not, byharshness and neglect, drive him back to his old courses.'

I was almost sick with passion, but Rachel was now at the door. Ipointed to the children, for I could not trust myself to speak:she took them away, and I followed.

'Will you, Helen?' continued the speaker.

I gave her a look that blighted the malicious smile on her face, orchecked it, at least for a moment, and departed. In the ante-roomI met Mr. Hargrave. He saw I was in no humour to be spoken to, andsuffered me to pass without a word; but when, after a few minutes'seclusion in the library, I had regained my composure, and wasreturning to join Mrs. Hargrave and Milicent, whom I had just heardcome downstairs and go into the drawing-room, I found him therestill lingering in the dimly-lighted apartment, and evidentlywaiting for me.

'Mrs. Huntingdon,' said he as I passed, 'will you allow me oneword?'

'What is it then? be quick, if you please.'

'I offended you this morning; and I cannot live under yourdispleasure.'

'Then go, and sin no more,' replied I, turning away.

'No, no!' said he, hastily, setting himself before me. 'Pardon me,but I must have your forgiveness. I leave you to-morrow, and I maynot have an opportunity of speaking to you again. I was wrong toforget myself and you, as I did; but let me implore you to forgetand forgive my rash presumption, and think of me as if those wordshad never been spoken; for, believe me, I regret them deeply, andthe loss of your esteem is too severe a penalty: I cannot bearit.'

'Forgetfulness is not to be purchased with a wish; and I cannotbestow my esteem on all who desire it, unless they deserve it too.'

'I shall think my life well spent in labouring to deserve it, ifyou will but pardon this offence - will you?'

'Yes.'

'Yes! but that is coldly spoken. Give me your hand and I'llbelieve you. You won't? Then, Mrs. Huntingdon, you do not forgiveme!'

'Yes; here it is, and my forgiveness with it: only, SIN NO MORE.'

He pressed my cold hand with sentimental fervour, but said nothing,and stood aside to let me pass into the room, where all the companywere now assembled. Mr. Grimsby was seated near the door: onseeing me enter, almost immediately followed by Hargrave, he leeredat me with a glance of intolerable significance, as I passed. Ilooked him in the face, till he sullenly turned away, if notashamed, at least confounded for the moment. Meantime Hattersleyhad seized Hargrave by the arm, and was whispering something in hisear - some coarse joke, no doubt, for the latter neither laughednor spoke in answer, but, turning from him with a slight curl ofthe lip, disengaged himself and went to his mother, who was tellingLord Lowborough how many reasons she had to be proud of her son.

Thank heaven, they are all going to-morrow.